The $17 Billion Fauxliday

I hate Valentine’s Day. And before you go assuming it is because I am a really sad, single girl or a scorned lover, please allow me to continue.

I really do think it is silly and dumb that we all need a day designed to tell people how we feel about them. I think people feel obligated to buy something for someone because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I think that if someone needs to be told to tell someone or show someone how they feel, then that is sad. I think if someone only gets flowers or candy or stuffed animals on V Day, then that is sad. I love flowers, and candy, and stuffed animals– what normal girl doesn’t? But I really loathe regularly scheduled romance. And I hate that it is an obligatory “holiday” in which people could be buying something just for the sake of not getting in trouble with their significant other.

Also, I would like to state that people who know me can attest to the fact that I enjoy giving gifts at random, and I love unscheduled acts of kindness.

And I say “holiday” because really, it is more of a fauxliday. It is not celebrated worldwide. Also, do you know that Saint Valentine, of whom there are very few records of what he actually did in his real life, died on February 14th? Died. 

And seriously… $17.3 Billion dollars will be spent on Valentine’s Day this year.

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So I am now going to poke some fun at today. I am not doing this to be mean or to cause anyone pain, but to share my silly thoughts on this all. By all means: If you are a big fan of Valentine’s Day, please don’t be offended. My Mom used to always give us little cards and candy when we were little and leave it at our dinner table spots in the morning, and I always liked that. I got my first dozen roses when I was 15, and I also liked that. But I like the day less and less every year that goes on, and that is just my opinion.

Social media makes Valentine’s Day even more ridiculous than I already think it is, so I am going to share my thoughts on it all. Personally, I think it would be really lovely if the day could just carry on, as a normal day. Today is Friday, yay! Today is February 14th, we are halfway through this month! But since I kinda just feeling like vomiting on this fauxliday, then here I go.

These are the types of Facebook posts that will be bombarding everyone’s newsfeed today.

Please note: these are all extreme examples of which I have taken liberties for humor’s sake to describe.

The Single Ladies: These women get together and are all “we don’t need men to have a good time!” which I am all for and I agree with… except that it is just kinda sad and weird and really just seems pathetic and lonely if you feel compelled to do it on Valentine’s Day. Call it girls night out. And it can be girls night out, because it’s Friday. And all women need more girls night out’s. Expect pictures of them holding their glasses together, and prepare yourself for a late night, somewhat-blurry shot of them dancing to Beyoncé, in which you can assume high-pitched laughter, and plenty of shrieking “This is my song!”.

The Desperately Seeking: This type offers something to someone of the opposite sex so that they don’t have to spend today alone. They come sneaking out about a week before V Day, and it typically starts harmlessly… “Looking for something to do Friday. I have tickets to X. Anyone wanna go?” These posts can start going full-range psycho very quickly “Anyone? Anyone? Pleeeeease? Going once… going twice… I will drive, and the tickets are free, and I will throw in free dinner and drinks… anyone?” If they are successful, maybe they will have a good time. Maybe not. Maybe they will take their Mom (not saying moms aren’t a good time). Or maybe it ends with an update about how they are forever alone.

The Wistful Desirer: All interactions through social media will hint at “someday meeting the right person”, or hoping that next year will be better, but can somehow turn downright depressing as they spiral out of control into many stages of self-loathing and panicked attempts to understand why they haven’t met someone yet.

The Anti-Lover: “LOVE IS STUPID, PEOPLE WHO FALL IN LOVE ARE DUMB, AND THEY ARE LYING TO THEMSELVES ABOUT BEING HAPPY. DOWN WITH LOVE! I’M OFFERING FREE PUPPIES TO ANYONE WHO BREAKS UP WITH SOMEONE ON THIS RIDICULOUS HOLIDAY.”

The Gentle Optimist: They are all about promoting that they are waiting for the right one and are confidently carrying on in life without a significant other for the time being.

Those Who Want to Just Pretend Today Isn’t V Day: Maybe they don’t want it to be V Day because they share similar thoughts with me and think it is a silly, forced holiday… or maybe they just don’t want to acknowledge it at all.

The Ring-Hunter: They’ve been together for the amount of time in which the woman has dubbed appropriate, so she is really hoping the guy “pops the question”. She has taken great care in planning a manicure, so that the obligatory ring pictures will be stunning.  She goes to dinner and carefully examines each bite of food, and inspects her champagne glass, for fear of consuming her potential dream ring. If this is successful, expect a picture of the couple either hugging or kissing with her foot popped…. and, the aforementioned ring picture. (And for the love of clearance candy, can everyone just agree to stop saying “He liked it, so he put a ring on it” or other creepy terms Beyoncé accidentally made popular?)

The Newly Joined: It is a fresh relationship, so there is a lot of anticipation. Gifts have not been exchanged at this point in the relationship, and there is a manic swing of looking forward to a gift, and yet trying to manage expectations in case it is not what the person wanted. These post will contain the word surprise.

The Obligatory Gift: Flowers, candy, a stuffed animal. Something nice said about the giver.

The Ironic Gifters: I have an appreciation for these folk. It is their way of recognizing that it is a day in which people typically celebrate their loved ones, so they give each other something, but it is either very silly or very useful.

The Non-Traditionalists: Like their witty brother, the non-traditional gifters will give something that is unexpected or unusual. It can be something sweet and sentimental still.

The We Don’t Celebrate This Couple: Good for you, your relationship is not bound to materialistic social rituals, and you guys poke fun at it openly on Facebook.

The Whoops: The old “Oh, I thought when you said you didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day you meant it… are you mad at me?” These situations are typically not publicized, but are hinted at, often not very discreetly.

I’d love to hear some suggestions of other types. Love you guys, but I’d rather not express that today.

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